- Be honest about your intentions. If you are currently doing a 1:1 coaching program with me, or if my content interests you, chances are, you want a committed relationship leading to marriage. There’s nothing eager about letting someone know what your goal is with dating. You’re not saying I want to marry you, to the woman you just met – you’re just saying that this is the aim of this whole song and dance of dating for you. It’s sexy to meet a man who knows what he wants and has the confidence to say it. If she doesn’t want to work toward a significant relationship, that’s fine. You’ve clarified from the start what it is that you are looking for, and you’re note wasting your time or hers, if your goals are different. If you really were fond of the one that wants to do her post-divorce wild phase, and doesn’t want anything serious, tell her to call you if that mindset changes. This way, the door is still open, should you be single/interested if that time comes. And she knows you’re receptive to that and not bitter towards her. It’s not personal. It’s just people are where they are in the area of romance.
- Honesty is different from insensitivity. Some men think that by leaving their phone face up when they go to the bathroom, they’re being honest. They believe they’re demonstrating altruism by showing they have nothing to hide; so, when Jessica, Tiffany, and Monica’s texts appear on the screen, the woman is supposed to feel comfort in the fact that he doesn’t hide anything. Wrong! This is doing harm and is downright rude. She is probably seeing other people too. But there’s no reason for her to leave her phone face up to flaunt it in your face, because that’ the honest thing to do. There’s a little thing called discretion or class that come into play here. The truth about dating is that it’s dating until it’s a committed relationship. So, the unspoken understanding between two people that are dating is: we are also (potentially) dating others. That is, until YOU (yes, you, the man!) seal the deal and ask her to be your committed girlfriend. There’s no need for you to divulge the details of your dating life to her. It’s cruel and a turnoff. And even though it’s understood that that’s what is potentially happening on the side, for both parties, you may scare her away with your cruelty. How would you like it if she let you know the details of her dating life outside of you? It’s not classy or appealing. It’s crude. Don’t do it! Date her (and whoever else you want). And if you find that she’s the one you want to have as your committed partner, ask her! (See my “Sealing the Deal” article for help with this).
- Be kind and careful with your tone and delivery. If you know you do not want children, for example, it’s important to communicate that to the woman you are seeing. If you need help with being kind when you convey the truth, talk to a friend that is good at communicating sensitive subject matter without being harsh or offensive, and have him/her help coach you. Prepare for sensitive topics like this and be a kind gentleman. Most women want children, so if she does not have any, assume she wants them (this could be wrong, but it can help you with the TLC with which you approach the topic). I help with this in my 1:1 coaching programs – conveying boundaries in a loving way, so that people can receive the information you’re communicating without getting hurt. Other sensitive topics that are important to be honest about include whether you want to get married/remarried, and why. Just be considerate and careful with her heart. If people tell you that you are honest to a fault, dial it back, and learn a little tact. It’s good for everyone, including you.
- Communicating is not complaining. This is more related to when you’ve gotten into a committed relationship. Expressing your likes and dislikes helps her understand the road map to making you happy. Same with her. If she tells you what she really likes and praises you for it, and respectfully communicates what bothers her, you know what it takes to make her happy. Nobody can read minds. So just (with tactful tone and consideration) say what bothers you, versus holding it in. Withholding that information from her doesn’t allow her to course correct and just builds resentment. Same goes for her. So, when she expresses her feelings, please do not write those off as “complaints.” A lot of men do this and it’s so unfair and just a good way to lose someone. All humans have feelings, and emotional intimacy is attractive and helps build the loving relationship you desire.
Don’t overshare about your past relationships. It’s okay to convey an overall sense of things if she asks questions, but don’t get caught in the weeds, discussing every detail of your last relationship, your former marriage, your entire relationship history in profound detail, and so on. Just focus on the present and make her the focus of your attention. Even let her know that you’re happy to answer questions she has but do so thoughtfully, tactfully, and don’t get caught in the trap of answering questions that are too detailed (or information that will just be harmful to her). Just let her know you want to focus on getting to know her as opposed to your past, without seeming like you are hiding something. Tact comes into play here as well.